Have you ever experienced a deafening silence? If you haven’t, I can best describe it as the ringing sound that will make you try to not hear when you’re not really hearing anything at all. The only time before now that I had ever experienced something like that was after watching scary movies when I was younger. It was like my ears were literally hearing nothing but the nothingness made me think I heard a sound. Of course, there was no sound. I suppose it was just my mind playing tricks on me. I recently heard another one of those deafening silent moments, only this time it wasn’t after a movie. This time, in real life, I was staring up at the ceiling at the doctor’s office, listening to that deafening ringing coming from the ultrasound monitor and preparing my heart for what I already knew to be true. I really wanted to be anywhere other than in that place, at that moment.
A little back story…
We found out on Father’s Day that I was pregnant with our second baby. I didn’t really think I was, but according to my app, it was the day to take the test. We had only been trying for 2 months, which is a heck of a lot longer than it took to get pregnant with our first son, Lawson. All of you mamas who have tried for months, even years to have a baby–my heart aches for you and you are true warriors. The waiting, the anxiety and disappointment is so incredibly exhausting. Little did I know, the waiting I experienced only days before would soon turn to complete brokenness. We were supposed to proclaim to the world soon that Lawson was going to be a big brother. Instead, the calendar turned back into regular days. Truly, a reminder of what could have been. I scratched out our announcement date weeks ago when everything began to unfold and somehow I still managed to notice it. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t un-see the scratched out date, although I tried more times than you’d believe.
Back to the doctor’s office…
When the ultrasound tech told me she was going to get the doctor, I literally wanted to scream. I’ve seen enough movies to know what that means. Before I ever heard the words, my greatest fear was confirmed. She must have forgotten that my son was only 13 months old at the time and we had literally just gone through this process, so I was well aware of how she reacted to a healthy baby in there. To sum it up, my doctor didn’t see “much of anything” on the ultrasound, but wasn’t 100% sure if that meant I had a miscarriage, since it was still so early. Because of his uncertainty about what was going on, I was ordered to get blood work done every few days on top of two more ultrasounds that showed that my pregnancy, in fact, was not a viable one. If that was not horrible enough, fast forward one month later and I was told I was having an incomplete miscarriage. Because I was physically, emotionally, and mentally drained at this point, I opted to have a D&C. I’ll never be sure if that was the “right thing” to do, but for my sanity I just had to move on and put this chapter behind me.
Although I’ll never hold this baby in my arms earth side, he/she was loved so very much. I prayed fiercely for this baby and thanked God endlessly for choosing me as his/her mommy. Even though I’ve already experienced pregnancy once, I’m still in awe of how much you can love someone you haven’t seen, touched or in this case, felt yet. As I move into this season of mourning, healing, waiting…I believe that God has a plan and a purpose for our family. I believe that one of my greater purposes in my life is to be a mother and although I already have one baby, I know in my heart I’m not finished just yet. In the meantime, I look forward to the day I finally get to hold my sweet baby on the other side of the stars.
To get me through the day…
“Shadow Step” by Hillsong United is a song that has spoken to me through the loss of our baby. The words to it express the prayer I have prayed relentlessly so perfectly. Although I am walking through the thick of this heartache now, I have to remember to keep moving forward and fix my eyes on the One will never abandon me—even in my darkest hour. If you’re a mama who is experiencing this heartache right now, listen to this song and believe what you hear. As isolating as this loss can feel at times, you are not alone. His timing. His way. His story. His glory.
You are always there, tracing all my steps // So light up the way of your heart // Move me like you do the mountains // Move me like you do the wind // And I’ll chase your voice through the dark // Fix my eyes on the unexpected // In the wonder of your shadow step // So take another step // You never left the lost forsaken // Your mercy paves the road ahead, unexpected // You are always good // You are always good // So light up the way of your heart // Move me like you do the mountains // Move me like you do the wind // And I’ll chase your voice // Through the dark // Fix my eyes on the unexpected //In the wonder of your shadow step